Why “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Enough

As a couple’s therapist that focuses on recovery from infidelity it is not uncommon for me to hear my clients say that they are sorry to their spouses. In fact, it is quite normal, because people usually think that saying “I’m sorry” should fix the situation. While the origin of the term “sorry” used to be used to refer to easing the pain of another in the world of addiction it usually references a person’s feelings of guilt (Manalaysay, 2025). When we talk about betrayal trauma and sexual addiction “I am sorry” doesn’t mean much for many reasons.

1). It isn’t the first time their spouse has heard those words.

2). Apologizing without changing anything over time is an empty apology.

3). It expresses an emotion from the speaker, most often guilt, not sorrow or sadness for the impact of their behaviors.

In recovery from sexual addiction one of the first skills to teach is accountability. People that struggle with addiction often struggle with accountability because it causes shame, an emotion their addiction has taught them to avoid. But accountability is paramount in recovery from sexual addiction and in helping spouses heal from Betrayal Trauma because taking accountability demonstrates awareness of their impact on others. A simple apology just shows that they feel guilty versus accountability which shows that they have an appropriate understanding of the impact that they have had on someone.

Example:    “I am sorry you’re upset that I ignored you.”

“I can see how being on my phone at dinner felt like I was ignoring you. I can understand why you would be upset about that.”

Just image you are having that conversation with a loved one. The feeling of hearing someone be accountable for what they have done is vastly different than a simple apology. Accountability is also helpful in couples recovery because there is room for emotional attunement and connection because there is an attempt at understanding. That is not to say that an apology is not appropriate but when the words “I am sorry” don’t mean anything anymore you must first start with acknowledgement of the pain and an understanding of your responsibility to do to something different. Through that, your words can begin to have meaning again.

Want Better Communication? Try The Feedback Loop

Do you often feel stuck in conversation or have no idea how to help other people feel like you are hearing them? Have you ever heard of the feedback loop? While I am not the creator of this helpful tool, if you have heard me speak, whether that be at the Mississippi Association for Marriage and Family Therapists conference or Pinegrove’s Alumni Days of Hope, or even just in everyday conversation, you have heard me use what is called “the feedback loop.” It is a simple form of communication that starts with a sensory input. That means that you start with something you saw, heard, noticed, etc. It then moves on to identify your emotional response, so you must name a feeling. Then you get to talk about what you thought about, what you “made up in your mind,” or as I am frequently known to say to my clients “the thought that came up for me was…” The last piece of this communication puzzle is to state how you can relate to the person with whom you are speaking. Now, in some situations, that last piece may not always be appropriate, but learning that is part of the skills that people develop in therapy. So it looks like this. When I saw that you read my blog post, what I felt was appreciation and gratitude. I made up that you learned something valuable. I can relate to that because I learned something valuable by writing it. In even simpler terms.

Sensory input: When I saw….

Emotional Response: About that I felt…

Thought process: I made up …

Connection: I can relate because…

I know that it sounds overly therapeutic when you say it out loud. However, I have observed this feedback loop to deescalate conflict and create connection and attunement where there was otherwise none. It also provides a helpful tool to refer to when you feel lost or don’t know what to say in a conversation.

How to Heal Resentment

Everyone experiences anger and sadness and frustration towards others, but do you relate to feeling resentment? Resentment is something that comes up often therapy, whether it be resentment towards parents, jobs, spouses, friends, situations, etc. The list goes on and on for reasons that people experience resentment. But what is it? The common understanding of resentment is that it is a deep-seated bitterness mixed with anger, disappointment and pain. What is the most interesting thing about resentment is that it can be created by both a real injustice or a perceived injustice. If your brain believes that you have been treated unfairly (whether anyone else may think so) you have all the ingredients for resentment. But how does it affect us? Resentment is one of those emotions that if we allow it to fester it will take over and convince us that have rights that we may not actually have. In sexual addiction, resentment convinces you that you have a right to engage in your addiction.

What is the antidote to addiction? Well, the antidote relies on two things, reality orientation and empathy. Reality orientation just means that you begin to know and understand the reality of the situation surrounding the injustice that has created the resentment. The second piece of overcoming resentment is empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand the emotional experience of another. This helps decrease resentment in the same way that reality orientation does. It allows you to develop a different perspective of the same event or experience. That space of understanding then allows you room to process the anger, hurt, and disappointment surrounding the event. When I speak about it in these terms, it seems relatively simple, however the work the overcome resentment is a deep, emotional, and vulnerable work that people often struggle to do alone. If you are struggling with resentment, you don’t have to do it alone. Schedule a free consultation today.