Why “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Enough

As a couple’s therapist that focuses on recovery from infidelity it is not uncommon for me to hear my clients say that they are sorry to their spouses. In fact, it is quite normal, because people usually think that saying “I’m sorry” should fix the situation. While the origin of the term “sorry” used to be used to refer to easing the pain of another in the world of addiction it usually references a person’s feelings of guilt (Manalaysay, 2025). When we talk about betrayal trauma and sexual addiction “I am sorry” doesn’t mean much for many reasons.

1). It isn’t the first time their spouse has heard those words.

2). Apologizing without changing anything over time is an empty apology.

3). It expresses an emotion from the speaker, most often guilt, not sorrow or sadness for the impact of their behaviors.

In recovery from sexual addiction one of the first skills to teach is accountability. People that struggle with addiction often struggle with accountability because it causes shame, an emotion their addiction has taught them to avoid. But accountability is paramount in recovery from sexual addiction and in helping spouses heal from Betrayal Trauma because taking accountability demonstrates awareness of their impact on others. A simple apology just shows that they feel guilty versus accountability which shows that they have an appropriate understanding of the impact that they have had on someone.

Example:    “I am sorry you’re upset that I ignored you.”

“I can see how being on my phone at dinner felt like I was ignoring you. I can understand why you would be upset about that.”

Just image you are having that conversation with a loved one. The feeling of hearing someone be accountable for what they have done is vastly different than a simple apology. Accountability is also helpful in couples recovery because there is room for emotional attunement and connection because there is an attempt at understanding. That is not to say that an apology is not appropriate but when the words “I am sorry” don’t mean anything anymore you must first start with acknowledgement of the pain and an understanding of your responsibility to do to something different. Through that, your words can begin to have meaning again.